My very own gnarliness!

Recently, my friend Amy showed us her gnarly toe. It was so awesome. Well, I wanted to be gnarly, too. Alas, it was hard to find a flaw on my unblemished self. Till now!

OK, how to make this not a long story? Let's talk about canker sores. They are something that seem gross to people who don't get them, and are excruciating misery to those who do. For the record, they are the result of irritants and not like having herpes or something. Let's just get that out of the way. I am not gross for getting canker sores. I'm gross for this other thing, which I'm getting to.

So, the mystery of canker sores, mouth ulcers if you're looking for a more pleasant term, has not been cracked by the medical world. Therefore, the only remedies they have had are the same ones they had when I was a little kid. UNTIL NOW!

I had a canker sore on my gumline, just over my canine tooth. It hurt like hell for days, but 5 days into it I was feeling better. I had a dental cleaning scheduled and the hygienist was very careful not to hurt me. But my dentist said he had a way to make the ulcer go away INSTANTLY. I laughed and thought he was pulling my leg. It took him awhile to convince me that it was true. They now have a laser that actually does something to relieve them. He described it as feeling "warm" (I prefer to describe it as feeling like he was holding a blow torch to my mouth). He said it would be pain-free by the time I left the office.

I'm envisioning my pretty pink gums, free of wounds! Free of pain! Glory be to God!

I asked how much he'd charge. I'm not rich, you know. He said, "For you, free. For your friends, not free." He is my cousin, after all. And I really appreciated it.

As everybody put on goggles and shades, I got a little nervous. As he burned the living hell out of my gums, I remained stoic. When the assistant told me it would be "a little pink" for a while, I thought, "no prob!"

I got to the car and looked in the rearview mirror, and to my horror, it was not a little pink. It was like the color of blood. You could see it from 12 yards away, probably. But, it didn't hurt. It really didn't!

Let's go into more detail, OK? For two days, it has tasted metallic. Several times, slimy, dead tissue has peeled off my gums. This makes me want to vomit. But, it doesn't hurt.

Day 2, I get up and still have a huge purple spot on my gums. Do you want to see?



I realize that I cannot smile for several days. This will be hard, since I'm the kind of person who has been nicknamed "Smiley" by numerous unrelated people in my lifetime. I am the kind of person who has a business named "Burst of Happiness." And another business called "Burstyriffic."

It's not Amy's toe, but it's still gnarly!