Friday, April 18, 2008

I don't got your back

In a life-threatening situation? You better hope you're not with me. Do you ever wonder how you'd react to a dangerous situation? You see those "heroes" on TV who say, "aw, shucks. I ain't no hero. I just did what anyone would have done in this situation." And you think, "yes, I'd be a hero, too!" while deep down inside you wonder if you really would just go running away while children perished in a burning bus.

I've had a few minor tests, and so far I've failed miserably. I'm a pathetic wienie.

Example 1: Day after our wedding, Tamaya resort near Bernalillo, N.M. We had a 2-room suite on the ground level. Mark had left the sliding door open in the bedroom, but the curtains were closed. I was in there changing, and he was in the living room. I thought maybe I should shut the door so some psycho couldn't walk right in. The curtains were closed, so I fumbled through them blindly with my hands while trying to find the door. As I did this, my hands met someone else's hands. They grabbed my arms. It was the psycho I had just been worrying about!! Oh, God. This is it! I was about to meet my maker. I should have screamed so that Mark could come in and rescue me, but all I could do was silently gasp for air. That's it. Lucky for me, it turned out to be Mark playing a practical joke on me. We won't go into whether I thought it was funny. The point here is that I didn't do anything. I was just going to let someone murder me without making a peep.

Example 2: Today, Petroglyphs National Monument in Albuquerque. This place is minutes from our house, but we'd never seen it. We found one entrance where you could park at a park in the middle of a neighborhood and walk into the monument. Basically, it was sand and mesa, with some mini mountains of black rocks. Every square inch of ground was coated in rabbit poop. I wandered off the trail and approached the black rocks. Mark was saying, "What if you got bitten by a rattle snake? I'd be a hero and carry you back to the car." At that moment I spotted a hole next to a rock and pointed at it and said, "a snake house!" Then I noticed that about a foot and a half away was a coiled rattle snake. What should you do when you see a rattle snake? I don't think you're supposed to scream "aaauuughhh!!!! A SNAKE! A SNAKE! RUNNNNNNNNN!" while jumping up and down, and then run away. He was rattling at me as I did so. When we reached the safety of the trail, I was upset at the threat to my life and decided I'd had enough of the wilderness.
Just one more reminder why I don't do the outdoors thing.

If you're trapped in a burning bus and you see me walking away, please understand: it's not in my nature to do the right thing.

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