Monday, December 19, 2011

Christmas house of horrors

You know those houses in magazines or on everyone else's blogs that look really beautiful at Christmas time? Well, not our house. My husband's motto is "The tackier the better." But, it's not really his motto because he doesn't think it's tacky.

I wanted to share a few of my annoyances. First up is the bride and groom. Mark has a Christmas Village, which conveniently becomes a Winter Village after Christmas when it's February and I want him to take it down. "It's not a CHRISTMAS village. It's a WINTER village, so it can stay up through March."

One year, I wanted to be supportive of his love for gaudy holiday decor, and, really, the ChristmasWinter village isn't that bad, so I bought him this bride and groom. It was to represent us and our true love. And he quickly banished them from his village. BANISHED THEM!!! Why, you ask? Well, because they aren't wearing coats and it's winter, so that's TOTALLY UNREALISTIC.

Above, they are standing by the paper towels because Mark is allowing me to look at them but they can't go near the village.

My ass they can't.

But he has a point about the village being realistic. I mean, don't most places have gigantic pine cones that are the size of a cow?

Doesn't everyone eat gingerbread cookies half as big as their own bodies?

Aren't all of our doors half as tall as we are, or roughly the size of a gingerbread cookie? Aren't they? Aren't they?

So, yes, I do think the romantic couple have a place here. No they don't have coats because maybe they are going to take wedding photos and the bride couldn't find a cute furry stole to put over her gown. I have, of course, added the bride and groom to the village and we shall see how long it takes him to notice that I have ruined everything.

**UPDATE before I even posted!!! I went to take a picture of the lovebirds, because these pics have been sitting on my camera for a while. They are gone! Gone, people. I'm busted, and it almost feels even worse that he didn't say anything.**

So, now I'd like to talk about Evil Santa.

He's got the creepiest face, and I don't think Mark is particularly attached to him, but I'm scared of him. I'm genuinely frightened of him. I don't think you can get the vibes I get from him when you're just viewing on the computer. He's scary. He's Chuckylicious. He's going to murder me if I try to throw him away. He will keep reappearing in odd places after I put him in the trash bin outside. He will torment me and then he will kill me, so I just lovingly place him on the tree each year. Last year after Christmas, he ended up in a clear bin of ornaments, somehow facing out right where I could see him all year, just staring at me in the garage. *shudder*

"Nothing says Christmas like Muhammad Ali!" Those are the words I utter each Christmas as I pull out what is now my favorite ornament. But what is better than good ol' Cassius Clay on the tree?

Good ol' Cassius Clay in the ChristmasWinter village! Oh, Mark's gonna be pissed! It will be awesome.

So, just for fun, here are a few short videos of the more annoying Christmas decorations we've got around the house. Funny, my dad and stepmom can be thanked for most of these. Therefore, I have specifically banned any new annoying decorations this year. To which my stepmom replied, "But if Mark sees anything over here that he wants, I can't say no!" At which point I started discreetly yet desperately looking around their house for things I needed to stuff under a couch cushion.

If you want the full effect of this one, please turn up your speakers as loud as they will go.

I had another video, but it mysteriously disappeared.

One thing our decor DOES have going for it, though, is our beautiful 12 foot Christmas tree. Although it's a pain to set up, it IS pretty awesome. And one thing that I love about it is that all the ornaments are, for the most part, different. It's not one of those trees where all of the ornaments are, say, red and gold balls. The ornaments are wonderful because each one is a special little treasure, many with special memories to go with them.

It's hard to even get a picture of the whole tree because it's so tall. As the years have passed, the built-in lights have failed, but we just add our own. And the ornaments on the bottom are not so well-distributed because one wee elf takes them off and then they just get stuck back on wherever is convenient.

I have been sitting on this post for days because I just didn't have an ending. I still don't. But it's got to end anyway. Goodbye. And Merry Christmas.


Emily said...

Your post is cracking me up! I personally like gaudy Christmas decor!!!

Jdel: said...

wow. he had to have searched high and low for those gems. i especially like the tree that turns into a monster. i could imagine that traumatizing a kid. also i like that he takes his winter village real serious. that is awesome.

Isabelle said...

The singing tree would be my personal nightmare!
Our tree is also decorated in different colours. I buy new stuff every year and share with my mum and sister. It's become a sort of habit now and we buy each other ornies!